Tag Archives: fun

The Grimes’ Crazy Christmases

At long last, my pièce de résistance: THE GRIMES’ CRAZY CHRISTMASES.

WARNING: These are crass, quirky, weird stories—definitely NOT your usual sweet/sappy/Christmasy stories. Despite the wackiness, they are funny (most of them!)—if I do say so myself.

The stories in this book are a combination of four previously published volumes:

Creepy Crazy Christmas, 2012

Creepy Crude Christmas, 2013

Creepy Customary Christmas, 2014

Creepy Cheery Christmas, 2015

They have been re-edited and organized for better readability in this new combo book.

Bob and Elise Grimes, husband and wife, although opinionated and wacky, are harmless folk who see the world a bit differently than the rest of us. Bob thinks he’s better than everyone else, and his sarcasm lurks behind his words—although sometimes he is smarter than the average bear. Elise thinks she knows everything, and what she doesn’t know, she finds on the internet. She also projects an aura of naivety and innocence, and although she doesn’t consciously realize it or even mean half of what she says, she possesses a mouth that spews forth quicker than her brain can function. As a result, her words come across as heartless and cruel (as do Bob’s words at times). Their son, Jimmy, a bit of a simpleton, exasperates them both. In fact, all three exasperate each other.

These stories begin before Jimmy’s birth and end when he’s sixteen.

Call me Wacky (as wacky as the Grimes family), but I absolutely love Elise, Bob, and Jimmy. They cheer me up when I’m depressed and besieged by the winter blues (and other blues) though I have EVERYTHING to be grateful for! Writing about them brings me great joy and laughter.

I’m now working on a non-Christmas book of wacky Grimes stories. (But I’m sure there’ll be more Christmas stories about this family for December 2026.)

Plenty of time to order for Christmas gifts! For those hard-to-buy-for individuals!

Available on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/dp/1990589448 or from me if you’re in Canada.

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The Spot Writers – “September” by Val Muller

Welcome to the Spot Writers. This month’s prompt is to write a story where yellow is important in the plot. Today’s story comes to us from Val Muller, author of the kidlit Corgi Capers mystery series.

***

“September” by Val Muller

It was June, and Sasha chose her brightest yellow shirt to commemorate the occasion. Her mother always used to read her this old picture book called “Barefoot in June,” and today she really felt it. She hadn’t even painted her toenails, and her feet were atrocious from gardening this weekend, but damned if she wasn’t going to put on her sandals today. They were bright white—it was, after all, after Memorial Day.

She pranced into the school, her sandals especially peppy on the worn linoleum tiles. The tiles always looked so shiny as the school year began, but by June they looked as worn as most teachers felt. But despite two weeks left of school, the warm weather and promise of summer put a spring in Sasha’s step.

She sat at her desk, organizing her papers and looking at her cup of iced tea. For once, she could sip it in peace. She did so as she threw handful after handful in the recycling bin. So close to the end, these wouldn’t be needed anymore. She had seniors first block, but they were at graduation rehearsal. Sasha would use the time to check students’ grades, then maybe get a head start on a chapter or two of summer reading. Her students for the rest of the day would just be working on their final project, and the day was smooth sailing.

A distinctly not-sandaled clip-clop sounded down the hall. Sasha looked up to see Mrs. Freedman, the assistant principal.

“Hi?” Sasha said, more of a question than a greeting. There was never really a good reason for Mrs. Freedman to visit your classroom—especially when you had planning first thing in the morning.

“Ms. Peters,” she said to Sasha, “unfortunately, we’ve had a lot of teachers call out sick this morning. We’re going to need you to cover Mr. Baker’s math class in Room 213.”

“You mean like right now?” Sasha asked.

Mrs. Freedman nodded. Then she put a small Ghirardelli chocolate square on her desk. “A little token of our appreciation,” she muttered before clip-clopping out of the room. Sasha took several sips of her iced tea, then shoved the chocolate square in her mouth. She now could feel that it was going to be a very long day.

Mr. Baker’s class was chatting quietly, though most kids were on their phones when Sasha walked in. She clapped her hands in greeting and approached the podium. “Good morning,” she said, trying to sound as cheerful as her shirt. “I’m Ms. Peters, and I’m stepping in for Mr. Baker today. Let’s put our phones away while I find his lesson plans…”

A hush came over the room, but it made her skin rise in goosebumps. It was not the hush of respect. It was the hush of people morbidly looking at a car wreck. She looked up from the podium to a sea of eyes. Some mouths gaped in horror. She looked down to see if maybe she had forgotten a shirt or something dire.

Then she heard it.

“She’s wearing yellow.”

It circulated around the room like a chorus.

“She’s wearing yellow.”

Then all eyes seemed to turn—like they all belonged to the same school of fish. They turned simultaneously to a student seated in the corner.

“Did he see yet?”

All eyes swam from Sasha to the student.

“Yellow, yellow, yellow.”

Sasha’s mind flashed to college, when she’d read “The Yellow Wallpaper.” The room gave off that same vibe of insanity that Charlotte Perkins Gilman embodied in the story. Sasha looked down at her summery yellow. Under the fluorescent light of the math classroom, it looked sickly.

A student in front was trying to catch her attention.

“It sets him off,” he whispered.

“Sets who off? What does?” Sasha whispered back.

“Yellow,” the students said. “And him.” He pointed to the boy in the corner who had not yet looked up. “You should cover up if you know what’s good for you.”

Sasha’s mind flashed. The mysterious boy in the corner did look familiar. He’d often been in the office for behavioral problems. What did they mean, yellow set him off? Could a color really do that? Then again, sometimes students liked to have fun with teachers—even real teachers subbing for a class or two. Were they pulling her leg?

The boy in the corner made a terrible groan, a sound like a death wail. What was it? She looked up. He was staring right at her. His eyes pointed at her yellow shirt accusingly.

“It sets him off,” the students whispered.

“Yellow.”

“Cover up.”

There was a school sweatshirt hanging over Mr. Baker’s desk, something he kept no doubt to keep him warm when the heat was malfunctioning, as it often did. But as Sasha’s shoes indicated, it was summer now. No need for sweatshirts.

Still, that wailing. How was she going to teach when the school’s number one behavioral issue was set off by… the color yellow?

She sighed and pulled on the sweatshirt. It had a musty smell. It smelled of school and September. It did not smell of summer. She felt the first trickle of sweat run down her back as the troublesome student in the corner quieted, and she began with the lesson.

***

The Spot Writers—Our Members:

Val Muller: http://www.valmuller.com/blog/

Catherine A. MacKenzie: https://writingwicket.wordpress.com/wicker-chitter/

Phil Yeats: https://alankemisterauthor.wordpress.com

Chiara De Giorgi: https://chiaradegiorgi.blogspot.ca/

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The Spot Writers – “What is Yellow and Stiff? What Looks Like a Deflated Beach Ball?”

Welcome to The Spot Writers. May’s prompt is to write a story about a character playing a prank on another. This week’s story comes from Cathy MacKenzie. Watch for Cathy’s upcoming novel WOLVES DON’T KNOCK.

We also welcome two new members to The Spot Writers: Phil Yeats and Chiara De Giorgi. Check out their websites at the end of this post.

***

What is Yellow and Stiff? What Looks Like a Deflated Beach Ball?

by Cathy MacKenzie

My Harry was the funniest person ever. Our friends said I was funny, too, but I could never top his pranks. He had always been the life of every party.

One evening, a mere three weeks before his death of a sudden heart attack, a group of us were at the Admiral Arms. We had ordered drinks and sat around the table, gabbing and waiting for the music to start, when Harry abruptly disappeared upstairs to the washroom.

In the lull between the first song and the second, he announced his presence with a loud guffaw, and sporting his trademark sly grin, descended down the winding staircase. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I hoped no one else saw what I saw.

He sashayed toward our table, grabbed my arm, and pulled me on the dancefloor. Snuggled against my husband, he led me into the dance steps, twirling me to Eddie Cantor’s “Makin’ Whoopee,” a song from the twenties, when we had married.

I smiled. Even at eight-nine, Harry still had “it.” I still turned him on, and I melted into him.

I basked in the warmth that coursed through my body until he ruined the moment when he ceased dancing, which caused everyone else to stop, as well. The music continued to play as it had during the sinking of the Titanic. How apropos, I thought later.

He broke away from me. With an exaggerated flourish of his arm and an even bigger grin, he reached into his pants.

Voila! He brandished a banana!

I couldn’t help but look at his crotch: deflated like an air-deprived beach ball.

Pfft! Gone!

beach ball

(My grandfather, Harry T. MacKenzie, always a prankster, actually played this prank on my grandmother, who was just as silly as he was. Unfortunately, he died when I was a year old, but my grandmother loved to tell this story.)

***

The Spot Writers—Our Members:

Val Muller: http://www.valmuller.com/blog/

Catherine A. MacKenzie: https://writingwicket.wordpress.com/wicker-chitter/

Phil Yeats: https://alankemisterauthor.wordpress.com

Chiara De Giorgi: https://chiaradegiorgi.blogspot.ca/

 

 

 

 

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A Short Story Contest!

Creative Writing Institute’s Short Story Contest offers a fabulous opportunity for publication, in addition to cash prizes.

Prizes: $200, $100, $50. First place winner may choose a free, tutored writing course in lieu of $200 prize.

Top five winners and ten Judge’s Pick stories will be published in 2017 anthology along with best-selling guest writers and stories written by CWI staff. (Available December.)

Word limit: 2,000 words.

Themed, unpublished story must include this sentence: “I am completely and utterly lost.” 

No swearing, profanity, explicit sexual scenes, graphic violence, etc.

Contest closes midnight, EST, August 31, 2017. Only five dollars to enter.

Join the fun!

See full set of guidelines and book cover at http://www.CreativeWritingInstitute.com. Direct questions to head judge, Jianna Higgins, at jianna.higgins@gmail.com.

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The Gingerbread Man

gingerbread-man

The sole gingerbread man stared at me from the plate of assorted Christmas cookies. I couldn’t resist. I placed him in my empty wine glass and snapped a photo.

I sensed Hubby’s discomfort, his certain glare at me. I’m in for it now, I thought, but then Jane snatched the little guy from my glass, plopped him into her empty glass, and proceeded to take numerous photographs!

Jane, Paul, Hubby and I had just finished dinner in a casual cookhouse in the country. Another couple we hadn’t met previously, Diane and Jim, sat at our table.

The episode was hilarious. Or perhaps it was the wine? After Jane took photos, Diane demanded that Jane toss Mr. Gingerbread to her. And Diane promptly dropped the cookie into her wine glass and proceeded to take photos.

Everyone laughed. Even Hubby—I think.

A silly, simple incident: a gingerbread man cookie in a wine glass. Who would have thought?

Jane posted her photos to Facebook.

I posted my one photo.

The evening over, Hubby and I headed to our vehicles. I felt vindicated that my actions had been appreciated and emulated by others. No way could Hubby chastise me on the drive home like he would if no one laughed or picked up on my antics. And, truly, I’m not bashing my husband; my actions can be embarrassing when I drink. And, yes, putting a gingerbread cookie into a wine glass is childish, and he had the right to be annoyed, but we only live once, right (as Jane so nicely informed me)? And at the time it was side-splitting humour. And did it harm anyone?

Hubby didn’t say a word all the way home, but had the other four not laughed and followed suit, I’m sure he would spewed choice words, and then he could legitimately say the act had had been uncalled for. But FOUR others thought it hilarious, so he couldn’t say anything.

When we arrived home, I checked my Facebook post. I experienced an “aha” moment. Unbeknownst to me, Jane’s husband had placed his eyeglasses beside my wine glass.

I had captioned the photo: “The gingerbread man is eyeing you.” How apropos!

 

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