Tag Archives: death of a son

“I’m Still Here”

It’s another 11th. Thirty-five months today since my son Matthew died from a rare heart cancer. I cannot believe it’s been almost three years. It seems like yesterday; then again, it seems like forever. This is the last monthly poem memorializing Matthew in the poetry book I’ll be publishing next month, the third anniversary of his death. The poems deal with my loss and grief as a mother. 

Matt hunting

“I’m Still  Here”

I’m the sun shining down,
Warming without sound,

I’m the wind in your hair,
Caressing you with prayer,

I’m the touch on your shoulder,
Celebrating every year older,

I’m the ladybug on your arm,
Protecting you from harm,

I’m the cardinal red,
Lessening your dread,

I’m the drop of rain,
Diluting your pain,

I’m the blue sky,
Calming your cry,

I’m the fluffy cloud,
Shrouding you in a crowd,

I’m the moon above,
Sending down love,

I’m the bird chirping,
Healing your hurting,

I’m the air you breathe,
Helping you to not seethe,

I’m waves crashing on shore,
Knocking at your door

With hope for the future
And wounds to suture:

Life is too short,
Be a good sport,

Don’t grieve,
I’ll never leave,

I’ll never forget,
So don’t you sweat,

I’m still your son,
Though my earthly life is done.


C.A. MacKenzie is the author of the novel WOLVES DON’T KNOCK, a psychological drama/thriller, available from the author or at various retailers, including Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Wolves-Dont-Knock-C-MacKenzie/dp/1927529387/.


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Before Time Stood Still

In Memory of Matthew

October 11, 2019
Before Time Stood Still

Thirty-one months
And time stands still
—As do I.

Your marker reaches toward Heaven,
Pointing the way to all that’s good—
One of the good ones,
Died too young,
Taken too soon,
In your prime—
Lame expressions
When no other words exist.

Sometimes silence
Is best,
And the dark
Where I can hide,
Or in the mornings
When I pull covers over my head,
Not wanting to face the day.

It’s dark when I can’t see:
When time stands still,
When winds don’t blow
And clouds don’t rain,
When the sun doesn’t shine
And grass doesn’t grow.
It’s dark then.

Life’s happier
When I can’t see—
Until the light shines
And I remember
And wish it were dark again.

I have no breath,
No feeling,
No jumping for joy
Or giggles or laughter,
No eating fine foods
Or drinking pricey wines—
Not like those enjoyed before time stood still.

Now there’s no yesterday,
No tomorrow,
Only today.

I wish time would wake up
And move
So I don’t have to stand still for all eternity
And bow my head
And wish for yesterdays
When life was happy
And everyone laughed.
When things couldn’t get worse.

I wish that time would move as it had,
Forever and ever,
Before it stood still,
Before I stood at your grave
Wishing I could turn back time.

Matt Headstone KenzievilleMatthew


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