Facing Oneself

“I believe the best way to screw ourselves over is to keep thinking of people we disagree with as the enemy that wants to destroy us and everything we hold dear instead of simply another person with another point of view.” (I “stole” this quote from Frank Martin, with permission, of course, but how true it is! An upsetting incident happened just before I read his words. As I sought to fathom his words, I felt like I had been destined to discover his post.)

Sometimes there’s people we have no control over. Sometimes one does everything one can to keep peace or avoid a confrontation, but it’s like one is shooting blanks against a marauding intruder and the end is near; there’s no life line, no protecting, ever-watchful golden angel.

And then, at the finish line, one is totally screwed. There’s no going back, no redemption, no grace period.

It’s over.

One gets on one’s high horse, never to dismount. Then one grovels and begs for forgiveness, even though it causes one to lose face. But perhaps the one feigning face is really “saving face.” Perhaps that one is really the bigger one. Perhaps that one should have pretended that such-and-such didn’t really matter after all, even though it did. Perhaps one should have held “it” all in, but then, wouldn’t it have eventually exploded in front of another? And what good would that have done?

I “suffer in silence” too much of the time. Things I perceive as definite wrongs burn me up inside. I’m not perfect – far from it, but I know the difference between right and wrong, sincerity and indifference, selfishness and unselfishness. Does no one else? Or do I just think differently than others? Maybe someone needs to give me a shake, knock some sense into me, if I’m that misguided.

I’m beating myself up over another’s attitude and, as usual, I let too many “anothers” control my life.

I’ll never learn.

From now on, if I can manage it, my mask will fit securely. I will put on a stoic, concrete face: I won’t show my emotions; I won’t mention my feelings; I won’t offer my opinions. I’ll turn into a dull person, even duller than I once was, for no matter what I do or say, it’s wrong. But, if one has no emotion, feelings or opinions, what kind of person is that?

And now I’m going to find a large enough rock to slither under. One can search for me if one likes.


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